Séduire sans bouger

Chaque année c’est pareil. Après avoir hiberné de long mois, les filles réapparaissent et peuplent les rues en déployant une panoplie d’accessoires de séduction redoutables. Escarpins, robes légères à fleurs, mini short, brushing, maquillage, sans oublier l’indispensable paire de lunettes de soleil. Elles marchent d’un pas décidé, le menton relevé, c’est à se demander si [...]

Are you somebody that listens to what everyone else thinks?

Somebody who who hears that women don’t want to be approached, so you don’t do it.

Somebody who hears that women don’t want to be met at a supermarket, so you don’t do it.

Somebody who hears that women don’t want to be met on the street, so you don’t do it.

Are you constantly trying to validate your own excuses by looking to the masses to validate what you’re feeling?

I was talking to a client today. He looked at me and said, “Women just don’t want to be approached at the gym. I talked to several of my girlfriends about it, and that’s the general consensus.

I said great, “I am so glad that several of your girlfriends know the exact answer for every single woman in the entire world. Every woman in the entire world doesn’t want to be approach at the gym? Yeah, you’re right…that validates your excuses.”

My client starts laughing and says, “You know, they are women. They said that they don’t like to be approached at all.”

“Oh my god, was it the same group of women that basically told you that women don’t want to be approached at the gym? Did you get them all together one day and just ask them these things to validate your own fear?”

Here’s the deal guys: I couldn’t give a shit what the masses say.

I do my own thing.

If I want to approach somebody at a gym, at a coffee shop, or at a supermarket, I do it. If I find somebody interesting, if I like their energy, I’m going to go find out who they are.

I do it because I never want to go home and say to myself, “Oh God, why didn’t I go talk to that person, why didn’t I go meet this person?”

Stop listening to the masses and start doing what your heart wants.

Stop validating excuses, that’s all you’re doing. You’re looking for somebody to validate your own excuses and whenever you do that, you can always find it.

Instead, go for what you want.

As most of you know, I just moved into a new place.

And whenever I move into a new place, I really like to re-decorate it with new things.

Every place has a different energy. Every place has a different feel to it. Every place has a different environment.

The sounds at night, the way the light shines through the windows, the way the sun wakes you up in the morning at different times—they all vary with each new place.

Every place is a blank canvas and whenever I move, I like to re-do the entire place.

And when I seek to redecorate, I only use a couple resources.

Firstly, I’m a master at Craigslist.

I will comb through Craigslist and I will find all the best deals. I truly believe that whatever you buy for a place is perfect for just that place and you should be able to re-sell it again and literally get all your money back when you move. It’s something I’ve been doing for a long time and I enjoy it.

Not only that, but along the way you tend to meet some really interesting people.

Lately, I’ve been looking for the perfect sofa for my office. I’m into the mid-century furniture and I like to throw in some modern pieces as well—some metals and everything else in there because I do like the kind of industrial-yet-classic look.

I look online and usually I’ll go from one link to the next until I find what I’m looking for. Recently, I found a really cool company in Los Angeles called apt2B.com. They’ve got amazing stuff: couches, bedroom furniture, bathroom items, kitchen stuff, home decor, everything; and the prices are ridiculous.

You guys are about to understand me a lot better. I really do geek out about certain things: dating/relationships, flipping cars, and business—good business.

What really impressed me about apartment2B is their customer service. I sent them an e-mail about a sofa, I described exactly what I was looking for and I got in touch with a gentleman named Alex.

Alex treats business like I do. When a customer e-mails, he gives them an answer. He tries to find something that’s perfect for them and tries to get as much information as possible.

I sent Alex pictures of one of my rooms and he actually found the perfect sofa to go with the room, a sofa that I really wasn’t going to even think about the first time around.

Customer service, it’s a dying breed nowadays.

Most companies don’t give a shit about customer service. They take you through a telephone robot tree; they don’t answer your e-mail; they just don’t care about you, they care about your money.

They want to make it simple and easy—for them—while forgetting about the human connection.

And you all know how much I preach about making real connections.

For over a week Alex and I have been e-mailing back and forth. We’ve gotten to know one another. He’s a good guy.

I know that he’s nice. I know that he moved here from New York. I got to know him and it made buying from them really amazing because, like me, the guys over at apartment2B are all about customer service.

For example, one guy e-mailed me about a bootcamp.  We got on the phone, we talked about it, and we got to know one another.

Have any of you guys e-mailed me about specific product?  I’ve e-mailed you back personally.  Customer service is everything in life.  It’s the beginnings of communication.

The reason why I bought the sofa from Apartment 2B was not only because of the great deal that they gave me, but also because of the customer service.  I was treated the exact way I’d like to be treated.  That’s the same reason why I fly American Airlines, and the same reason why, despite my desire for an iPhone, I stick with T-Mobile—their customer service is spot on.

Life is all about how you treat people.  And when you’re treated great, and when you treat other people great, people gravitate to you.  People want to do things for you.  People want to give you deals.

So if you’re looking for furniture for a new place, or you want to get some good design ideas, check out apt2B.com.  It’s a cool site: great people and a really great experience.

And this being extreme honesty month, I want to tell you something: most companies suck at customer service.  So if you work for a company, get on the ball, treat people great, and make your customers feel like friends.

. . .

Hopefully, all of you have learned something today. 

What was the worst customer service experience you’ve ever had?

How do you feel when you walk into your neighborhood store—do you feel like a friend or do you feel anonymous?

Vous avez entre 37 et 57% de chance de devenir obèse si vous côtoyez une personne qui l’est (Etude sur 12 000 personnes entre 1971 et 2003). Je suis toujours surpris. Nous ne faisons pas ce que nous sommes censés faire. Lorsque les gens veulent changer, ils mettent en place des stratégies d’évitement. Et puis un jour Carl [...]

Souvenez-vous, c’était le 1er janvier dernier et je vous offrais comme cadeau de nouvelle année un indispensable des 10 « to do » en séduction cet hiver. C’était sans autre prétention que celle du style et ça avait donc irrité les geeks, pour qui tout conseil non matérialiste ou qui ne leur permet pas directement de se [...]

A friend of mine called me earlier.

“David, I met this woman who I’m so aligned with. I can feel her.

The chemistry is off the charts. It’s ridiculous.

We talk and we totally understand one another.

I feel like I’m touching her without even touching her.

I understand her, she understands me. There’s one issue.

I’m 60. She’s 30. How do I get her to want to be with me?”

Listen very carefully to what that terminology is: How do I get her to want to be with me?

Getting someone to want to be with you means that you’re actually going into salesman mode, so you’re selling somebody the benefits.

You might as well state it like this, “Hey, look, I’m a great guy, I can have sex with you better than any other man in the world. I’m going to be cool. I’m old, I’m wise, I could teach you so many things…”

Blah blah blah. That’s not the way things work. The second you go into salesman mode when you meet somebody is the second you give any and all power away.

Here’s the deal: 60 and 30 is not going to work long-term. It won’t. It can’t.

A 30-year-old woman has way too much going on in her life, way too many experiences. She probably wants a family. She’s got so many things she wants to do and experience that by the time she’s 45 or 50, she doesn’t want to be with a 75 or 80-year-old guy, and that’s understandable.

Life is about the moment. When two people meet and gravitate towards one another, it doesn’t always have to be permanent. It can be something that can just be a week or two or three or a month or four months or a year.

Everybody in life is a messenger for you. People are there to teach you things that you can learn from. That’s the beauty of what dating and what life is all about.

So my 60-year-old friend asked me, “What if I’m honest with her like you told me to be and she just doesn’t really want to go any further? What do I do?”

You tell her this:

“Look, I’m 60, you’re 30. You’re an experience for me and I’m an experience for you. We’re going to share things, we’re going to learn from one another, and our time will be up whenever it’s meant to be up. But why deny a connection? Why deny something where you can both grow as people? That’s what expanding yourself is all about and I can understand if you have fears about it, but I’m not looking to spend the rest of my existence with you because I don’t expect you to wheel me around the nursing room in 15 years. But right now I’m young, I’m viral, and there’s something here that I want to explore.”

And then you shut up.

Most people can’t even do this last part because the uncertainty is better than the possibility of rejection.

But I urge you to step into the uncertainty, for that’s where all life’s gifts are hiding.

Are you always assuming the negative?

If someone doesn’t get back to you, you start assuming the negative.

You start creating this really negative story inside your mind.

“Ooh, they didn’t get back to me because…” and then you list all the reasons why in your negative head—why the person didn’t get back to you.

You then engage your friends, and ask, “Why do you think they didn’t get back to me?” And then you all sit down and create a whole story that doesn’t even exist—you just keep assuming.

Or maybe you text somebody, and they don’t get back to you.  And then you send them another text saying:

Hey, obviously you don’t want to hang…

Obviously? Maybe that somebody was busy.

I hate when people do that to me.  To be honest—since it’s extreme honesty month—it drives me up the wall.

I didn’t get back to you because I had something else going on.  I wasn’t living by my phone.  I didn’t have it in my hip constantly.  I don’t answer my texts 24/7. I’m not some doctor, on-call.

Basically the reason why I wouldn’t text somebody back immediately is because I have a life, and the life that I’m living is more interesting than being glued to my phone.

The next time you go on creating a story in your mind, think to yourself: maybe this person is enjoying their day and having a life.

Get out of your head. Get out of the negativity zone. And if you are in that negative zone, don’t communicate with anyone from that place.

Don’t send the negative follow up text.

Don’t call and leave the annoyed voicemail message.

Be cool. Go out, have fun, and let everything happen as it should.

« Je suis soufflé de voir que, même si je commence à avoir un peu de bouteille en séduction et que je suis plutôt très bon en commercial, je n’avais fait qu’effleurer le thème du mensonge jusque là. Stéphane s’est surpassé et a à l’évidence beaucoup potassé le sujet, livres et références nombreuses à l’appui, pour [...]

Hello Stéphane, Je rentre de vacances et je viens de découvrir ton mail. Je passerai bien sûr commande, en milieu de semaine, pour ce séminaire sur le mensonge qui m’a l’air, encore une fois, passionnant ! (D’autant plus que j’ai adoré Lie to me). J’en profite pour te faire part d’un exemple d’intelligence sociale qui t’intéressera [...]

I’ve been actually really enjoying this extreme honesty month.

I’ve been wondering: why did I not do this my entire life?!

Why do we dance around certain topics?

Why are we so afraid to really say the truth?

It’s amazing, when you’re 100% truthful and honest with people, they think you’re actually defending yourself, justifying things, or selling yourself.

It’s really amusing in a lot of ways.

I wanted to hang out with a friend the other night.  They couldn’t make it.

I said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll sweeten the deal next time.”

She said, “What are you selling?”

I was like, “I’m not selling anything!  I like to sweeten the deals.  I enjoy doing things for people.  I enjoy hanging out with people, eating a good meal, whatever it might be.”

It was fun.

So instead, I had a client come over last night. He stayed late, and I looked at him and he seemed run down in so many ways.  He just didn’t have the zest, the pop, the energy that he always had.

And it’s because of his relationship.

So I looked him straight in his eyes and I said, “You need to end this for your health.” I went through a long synopsis of what I saw about him and how I was concerned. I gave it to him straight.

He kept saying that he hoped that his wife would change.

I told him that people don’t change. The only person that you can change is yourself. No one is going to change for us.

No relationship is going to miraculously get better.  No person is going to suddenly start to understand you.

We spend years hoping that people change. And they don’t.

Usually I would allow a client to engage me in the change conversation.  He would then tell me all the ways that his wife should change and can change and then I would listen to that and basically agree or rationalize with him, and say, “You know you’re right, give it another shot.”

But I felt like he was wasting time. I looked at him from a health point of view and I saw how stressed out he was—it wasn’t good. I told him that he needed to be honest with himself and make a decision, even if tough.

We’ll see how that goes.

Yesterday, I had a guy come to see a car that I’m selling for a friend.  He offered a ridiculously low number—$2,000 less than the asking price, and the care was already priced really well.

He then went into a whole sob story about his daughter’s birthday and how he needed to spend $500 on his daughter’s birthday, otherwise he’d be in trouble with his ex-wife.

I listened to him. I did.

And then I looked at him and said, “I don’t care. I’m not paying for your daughter’s birthday.  My friend deserves the money for his car. That’s fair to him, right?”

“All I’ve got is $14,000.”

“You shouldn’t have come over with just $14,000, you should have brought $16,000.”

I then paused for effect.

“Your final offer is 14? My friends wants 16. But I’ll tell you what: I’ll meet you halfway, plus 10%, for a final total of $14,800. My friend would be okay with that offer.”

“No, I can only do 14 because of my daughter’s birthday party.”

“Well, then go find another car.  Time is money.  You can run all around town, looking at different cars to try and hopefully find one that’s priced this low with this much work done, or you can spend the money because I know you have it.  Nobody just has 14.”

He just looked at me, hopeful.

“I hope your daughter enjoys her party.  But it’s not my friend’s job to pay for it. See ya.”

Later that day, he texted me:

All I’ve got is 14. Are you sure?

I sent him the same text back:

The number doesn’t change.  Good luck.  

And it felt good.

It feels so good to look at people and call them out.

It feels good to tell people exactly how you feel and not worry about being in your head.

And it’s fun to watch everyone’s reaction.