Séduire sans bouger

Bonjour Stéphane,
Les fêtes de fin d’année me plongent toujours dans un bain de sentiments diffus et aériens. Ce subtil flottement des idées avive systématiquement chez moi la réflexion et, parfois, me porte à me retourner sur le chemin parcouru. Chemin qui n’aurait sans doute pas été le même si je n’étais arrivé un jour, il [...]

Hurry! The gift you just unwrapped is ready to be returned.

It’s the day after Christmas,
and all through the mall,
everyone is stirring
because everything is half off…

It’s a great time to buy next year’s decorations, because everything is half off. You can store them in the attic where you won’t be able to find them next year.

Today really is a great day to go out there and meet people.

There is one thing you can say to everyone today. Isn’t that what people are looking for – the one thing you can say to everyone that will work every time? Well, today is the only day of the year you can use this.

So here is your “magic line” of the day. Make sure you say this with a smile. Now you know how I feel about using “lines” when you talk to people, so I’ll call this a “magic opener” (or a “magic conversation starter” would be even better).

So whenever you see anyone today, you can say “Did Santa get you everything you wanted, or do you need to rely on the American Express card today?”

That’s it. That’s all you need to say.

Everyone can use this, and you can say it to everyone — men, women, children, dogs, cats, hedgehogs, cartoon characters, muppets. It’s by far the best thing you can say to people today.

It’s a great conversation starter. It’s your “day after Christmas conversation starter” that allows you to talk to people everywhere.

Say it with a smile, have fun and enjoy the day. I’ll meet you at the mall.

Vous avez tous entendu parler cette année de la mode du sexting, qui consiste à envoyer des photos de soi plus ou moins dénudé à un camarade de classe / amant / inconnu mignon. Disons que dans l’ordre moderne du cybersex on a SMS porno > sexting > strip devant sa webcam > sextape. Tout ça nous donne des Paris Hilton (mon héroïne personnelle) mais aussi un nombre vachement plus élevé de Laure Manaudou (pour qui ça s’est moins bien passé).

Bon. Et bien je vous propose maintenant l’appli Android qui permet directement de sexter : a World of Photo (elle est gratuite). Il s’agit d’échanger des images de son quotidien avec des inconnus. On ne peut pas choisir une image de son répertoire, on doit en prendre une immédiatement, ce qui rend le machin plus réel et parfois vraiment surprenant (le métro madrilène, une main manucurée sur un levier de vitesse, une télé allumée dans l’ombre, etc). Les photos sont censées être non pornographiques, comme l’indique le message quand on s’inscrit (mon nom sur le service, au cas où vous seriez miraculeusement connecté en même temps que moi, c’est Maïa).

Pour l’instant, au moins une personne sur deux a un profil nommé : “lol tenga thongs panties”, “hot ladies 22+”, “show your tits” ou autres “cameltoe lover”. Et parmi ceux-là, la moitié râle quand j’envoie un lolcat en string ou un dessin avec des chameaux dans le désert (hé, faudrait savoir).

J’allais vous faire part du scandale des mecs qui n’envoient jamais une photo de leur nouille, même quand on leur demande, mais je viens de recevoir ma première Wurst (origine allemande, donc) non désirée – et de fait, celle-ci se classe d’entrée de jeu dans le top-10 de la bijouterie la plus moche jamais exposée sur un pubis masculin. Ceci me perturbant au point que même pas en rêve je ne me souviens de ma chute.

I woke up this morning and realized, “Oh my God, it’s Christmas!” Living in Los Angeles, the land of zero Christmas Spirit, you could literally go into a hundred stores and see a total of three Christmas decorations.

I get so fed up with Los Angeles at times that I have to escape. This year I went to New Orleans, and they are loaded with Christmas spirit.

After having been kicked by Katrina and Bush, this town has a spirit no one can break. New Orleans is a city full of people who are passionate about their culture, their history and, unfortunately, about the fattiest foods I’ve ever eaten.

So today being Christmas Day, I want you to take the time to reflect on everything about which you are passionate and on everything that is amazing in your life. Don’t send out any of those lame mass Merry Christmas texts to everyone in your phone.

It really shows you to be a lazy ass. Plus, do you really care about everyone in your phone? C’mon!

Instead, wish the people you care about a very Merry Christmas. Don’t be lazy and wish everyone a Merry Christmas — there’s no meaning behind that.

I hate when I get those Merry Christmas mass texts. Really, you were thinking about me today? What were you thinking? You were thinking that you were being 2009 Cybercool? Gee, maybe I should send a mass text instead of picking up the phone and getting in touch with the people about whom I really care.

Christmas is a great time to reconnect and really put the past behind you. Is there anyone in your life right now with whom you wish things were better? Are you holding a grudge? Are you not talking to a brother (or a sister or an old friend or even your parents)?

This is a great day to pick up the phone and reconnect, and to put the past behind you. It’s all about picking up the phone today.

It’s not about sending out an email, a text or making a lame announcement on Facebook saying “Merry Christmas to everybody!” If you are thinking about doing one of these things, why don’t you write “Merry Christmas to everyone because I’m too damn lazy to pick up the phone and really get in touch with the people I care about!”

So I hope you have an incredible Christmas. I hope it’s a great day even when I rant and rave in this blog about mass texts at the same time that I’m sending out a mass blog.

When I get done writing this, though, I am getting on the phone and calling my Mom, my sister, my brother and a few of my closest friends, and I’m going to wish them the best best Christmas they can possibly have.

By the way, if you’re not celebrating Christmas, do what the New York Jews do/ We used to go as a family and see a movie on Christmas day. It’s fun, and it’s packed full of people who may not celebrate Christmas but still have the holiday spirit.

You know us Jewish people. We’ll take everyone’s holidays. We don’t get enough during the eight days of Hannukah. We want to take Christmas and Easter too. We’ll take ‘em all!

Comme cadeau de Noël, j’ai eu un chemisier brodé à la main (par Anastasia) dont le motif (choisi par moi) a outré certaines personnes de ma famille. Démonstration :

Le résultat est plutôt romantique. Du moins à mes yeux. D’autant que pour moi qui passe 90% de mon temps à l’étranger, tant que c’est écrit en français, c’est adorable, y compris “baguette demi-sel” ou “travers de porc”. (Note pour l’an prochain : je veux un t-shirt “travers de porc”.)

J’ai tenté d’expliquer que salope, pour moi, renvoie au jeu de la séduction, aux allumeuses tendres et aux féministes. Et que ça s’emploie affectueusement. Jamais je ne prendrai “salope” pour une insulte, ou alors il faudrait vraiment qu’on mette le ton. Mais quitte à mettre le ton, je pense pouvoir me sentir insultée si on me traite de baguette demi-sel avec suffisamment de mépris.

Je me demande si cette histoire de salope est générationnelle ou si c’est moi qui vis sur une planète de paix et d’amour. Une chose est sûre, ça ne m’empêchera pas de porter ce chemisier. Ni s’en recommander un l’an prochain avec comme motif “Fille de mauvaise vie et de joie profonde”.

On my way to New Orleans on Monday, I saw a very charming movie on the plane called “4 Christmases.” It was pretty funny actually. For those of you who have to jam in a few holiday visits (which is usually extra stress), you need to check out this movie before you actually go and jump into those visits.

Monday night, we were walking around the French Quarter and went into an art gallery. On the floor of the gallery was a stunted version of Daphne – a cute little black Labrador puppy with one eye swollen shut. I started playing with the dog, and it had a great spirit.

This kid walked over and told us it was his dog. When I asked him where he got it, he told me he ended up rescuing it from a farm in Mississippi where, apparently, he was no longer wanted. The dog was six months old, had a limp on his right leg from being hit by a car, and now had the eye that was swollen shut.

This kid had no money to get any of the dog’s problems fixed. Why? The reason was that this kid was also a throw-away. He was 19 years old and homeless, because his parents kicked him out two years ago. So one lost soul took in another lost soul, and together they formed a beautiful bond.

We looked at Tom (the boy) and James (the dog), and knew we really needed to take care of the James’ eye. Tom told us it would cost $150.00 to treat the dog, and he didn’t have the money.

I immediately said I would take care of it if Tom would meet us at the vet. Tom’s 19 year old eyes looked at us amazed. He said no one had ever done anything like that, and he was unbelievably appreciative.

So I told him to call me the next morning, and gave him my cell phone number. The guy who owned the gallery said that Tom was a good kid. Many homeless kids have some problems with drugs or alcohol, and don’t follow through with things.

When we left, he thanked us again (still in shock). He texted me the next morning (from a cell phone someone let him borrow), and he said he’d be at Dr. Mike’s office at noon. When we arrived there at noon, Tom and James were waiting outside for us still in the same clothes from the night before.

We went into the vet’s office and Dr. Mike told us what he needed to do to fix James. Dr. Mike has seen a lot of street kids and their dogs, and he didn’t want to charge my credit card for the cost of all five treatments needed to fix James. So he only charged me for the first installment.

So we left James in the care of Dr. Mike, and we walked outside with Tom. Of course, the two of us wanted to tell him anything we could to give him hope that his life was worth kicking the drugs and getting off the street. We spent about ten minutes with him before we left.

We then had a discussion in the car, hoping we didn’t lecture him too much. As we saw him walk away down the street, I realized we took care of his dog but didn’t give Tom any money for lunch. So we pulled the car next to him and, shocking him once again, gave him money for lunch.

We spent the rest of the day walking around the city then, just by coincidence, we found ourselves in front of Dr. Mike’s around 4:45 pm. There was Tom walking James toward whatever abandoned house he was going to squat at that night.

It brought tears to our eyes as we watched him walking up the street picking up his friend – maybe the only one he’s had in years. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be kicked out of my house at age 17 and not being wanted.

Tonight and tomorrow all of you are going to be sitting with your families celebrating Christmas. A lot of you are probably apprehensive about spending time with your family. As you’re sitting by the fire tonight exchanging gifts, drinking eggnog (or soy eggnog if you live in California) and telling stories about your childhood, I want all of you to give a Christmas wish to Tom and James.

Also, when all of you go to sleep in your warm bed tonight, I want all of you to give thoughts to Tom and James and everyone like them. Give a thought to all the homeless kids who are not wanted, and to all the homeless adults who are squatting on the streets on park benches or in abandoned homes trying to stay warm on a cold December night.

Tomorrow when you get all your new clothes and your new Christmas toys, instead of shopping on Saturday put together a box of stuff you no longer wear or use, put it in your car and give it to a person in need. If you’ve got nothing to do on Christmas day, make that your Christmas gift to the world. Also, if you’d like to give Tom and James a gift, contact me and I’ll tell you where to send it.

The real meaning of Christmas is to give to those in need. I’d love for all of you to share your stores of how you gave to someone in need this Christmas.

Just a couple of days until Christmas. Unbelievable. What an amazing 2009 it has been.

Have all of you bought yourself a gift yet? Are you thinking right now, “David, are you crazy? Buy myself a gift? I have to buy my cousins, uncle, mom, dad, brothers and sisters a gift.”

No, you need to get yourself a gift – and it’s the most important time of the year to do it. How do you spoil yourself at Christmas? What are you going to do for yourself?

I’m going to tell you. You just have to listen to today’s podcast to find out. This podcast is going to change the way you think about Christmas forever.

Click here to listen now:

Environ 90% de mes potes ont demandé une copine pour Noël. Ou pour le nouvel an. Enfin bref, on sent le coup de pression. J’aurais cru que ça se passait plutôt en mars (le printemps les jupettes les hormones), mais le site SeRencontrer* m’informe qu’en fait, les inscriptions augmentent de 25% en janvier-février. Pour les longues nuits d’hiver, donc.

Je vous aurais bien dit qu’un sondage réalisé sur moins de 300 personnes a une valeur limitée mais damned, GoogleTrends confirme que les gens cherchent “amour” en début d’année, beaucoup plus que le reste du temps. Alors que le même test pour “sexe” montre une augmentation des recherches en été. Amour en hiver, sexe en été : on tient peut-être là une information fondamentale sur La Vie.

Selon ce même site, deux célibataires sur trois trouvent que les questions genre “et alors les amours ?” sont le pire moment des fêtes de fin d’année. Pensez-y avant de vous renseigner auprès de votre cousine divorcée !

*Amis hommes, amies femmes poilues, il est interdit par la Loi de porter une mouche de poils sous la lèvre inférieure, ainsi qu’une balayette sous le menton. Sauf à vouloir rester sur les sites de rencontre toute sa vie.

Man, I tell ya . . . traveling during the holidays is just oh so much fun. Yesterday I got to travel on Delta, the airlines which doesn’t like to give you a seat assignment ahead of time. It likes to “assign it at the airport.”

Why not just call yourself Southwest then? I mean, the flight was booked weeks ago and I can’t pick a seat? What a waste of time!

Not to mention, can people be any grumpier? I mean, it’s supposed to be the holiday time and yet I had the nastiest women sitting next to me on the plane.

They spent an hour complaining about Christmas shopping and the long lines. You all know the lines (no, I’m not talking to you PUA guys), the ones where you’re waiting to pay for your items? Those lines are actually one of the best ways to meet people.

Looking at those two women on the plane – no engagement rings on their fingers and bitching and complaining nonstop — I couldn’t imagine them grasping the concept of flirting while waiting in a line. Not to mention, that I bet those women were the same type of person who, when they get to the front of a line, go to pay with a check and haven’t even started to fill it in ahead of time.

Christmas time is one of the best times to talk to people in line. You can say, “Wow, what a great sweater!” or “Soap on a rope. Wow, I used to give that to my Dad!” If I had been in line with one of these women from the plane, however, I would have said something more like, “Do you always complain in line?”

When I was single, I’d always go people shopping around the holidays. I’d have no bags, go into a store and turn into a customer service rep. I’d say things like, “You’re really getting that sweater for your uncle Ted? I don’t think he’ll like it…”

My favorite question while waiting in line used to be, “If you could buy anything in this store, what would it be?” The answer to this question gives you great insight into someone’s personality.

It is also such a great open-ended question. Plus, it gives you the opportunity to ask people why they are buying the Zales heart-shaped pendant with the microscopic sized diamond chips when they could have gotten a sold 14K gold ring.

Anyway, have fun out there in the lines when you’re shopping. Oh, and just one last thing about holiday traveling.

I was in the security line listening to someone talk about how many planes they have to take to go from Los Angeles to Baltimore — 3 connections! I wondered how much they paid for the privilege of adding six hours to their trip and getting to schlep their gifts onto three different planes.

So I turned to that person and said, “Are you Santa Claus? Because it sounds like you have way too many rooftops to get to before you get to Baltimore.” They said, “The ticket was cheap.” I said, “How much?” They said they paid $265.00.” I didn’t want to tell them that I paid $260.00 for a direct flight on which I didn’t have to land on any rooftops.

For all of you who are willing to pay $10.00 less to add five hours to your trip, I have a question for you. Is your time only worth $10.00?

Do you think Southwest is your only flying alternative? It’s called marketing folks. Bags fly free? Great . . . but you also fly six hours longer.

La très attendue révolution des sextoys pour hommes est donc en train d’arriver, le Realtouch en est une nouvelle preuve. Verra-t-on, de notre vivant, la fin des poupées gonflables mal taillées et des vagins rose bonbon en plastique et poils de nylon ? Sans doute. Tant mieux pour les garçons mais je note quand même que BORDEL DE NOUILLE on se reprend la séparation gnangnan des sexes en pleine tête : jouets en forme de vaisseaux spatiaux ultratechniques pour les garçons, et dauphins roses pour les filles. Vous allez voir qu’ils vont finir par nous sortir des coffrets mixtes avec des sextoys de l’amour à petits coeurs d’un côté, et des simulations de sexe anal créées par la Nasa de l’autre.

A part ça, ho, encore des réductions sur les sextoys, et puis des modifications de sperme !

Et le gros rien à voir du jour : grâce à votre merveilleux cerveau, vous pouvez faire quelque chose pour mon Noël (en plus de fouiner ma wishlist toute neuve) !

- Je suis podcast-addict forcenée mais ma connaissance des radios est assez nulle. J’écoute du Grain à Moudre, la Tête au Carré, Daniel Morin et Didier Porte, parfois 2000 ans d’Histoire… Je cherche des émissions intéressantes, peu importe le sujet. Faites partager

- Quelqu’un sait comment écouter des podcasts français sur Android ? Avec un Hero ? Sachant que je suis une grosse nouille en informatique ? Vous avez des applications préférées sur Android ?

- J’ai une phobie d’un bruit en particulier dont, d’après mon médecin, je pourrais me débarrasser en deux-trois heures. Si votre maman est comportementaliste, si vous connaissez quelqu’un qui a géré un problème d’irrationnalité face à un bruit, je prends toutes les recommandations.