I was having a conversation with some friends the other day. We were talking about what the world would be like if men had babies.
I came to the conclusion that if men were the ones to have babies, the human race would cease to exist.
Here’s why:
1. There’s no chance in hell that I am passing a bowling ball through the tip of my dick. It just won’t happen.
2. I hate carrying anything around for more than 10 or 15 minutes. So if you think I’m about to carry a baby to term, that baby would never survive. Unless the term was 10 or 15 minutes.
3. I really admire women for sacrificing their bodies for the sake of bringing a new life into the world. But you know what, if I get the runs for two or three days, that’s enough of a sacrifice of my body. If my lower back hurts for a few days, I’ve sacrificed my body enough.
4. We would never get up 15 times a night to go pee. Once we lay down and we’re comfortable, we’re good. Not only that, but when we pee we always have to shake the last drops out. So if we pee 14 times a night, our underwear would be constantly wet with excess drops of pee.
5. Most men are just really selfish. So we just wouldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be worth it. We want “me” time, not baby time. It’s just not in the nature of men to be rubbing our bellies 24/7. The only time we really like rubbing our bellies is when we’ve stuffed ourselves after a nice burger and milkshake meal. But to constant have to rub a belly with another human being growing in there, no way.
6. Once one man’s had a baby, no other man witnessing it would want to suffer through that ordeal. The first man who gave birth would say, “God, guys, giving birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had,” and every man watching it would say, “God, guys, witnessing that guy give birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had.” Then, because men are all about fixing things, we would try to invent a way that men can have babies without actually getting pregnant, or a way to bring babies to term in a week, and we wouldn’t ever rest until that invention came about.
7. Lastly, I just can’t see it ever happening. I mean, there’s just no way men would be able to do that much intense bonding with another being. Not only that, just think about what a kid would do to our man boobs. Our moobs would be shaped like banana mobs. As a man, the only thing we could deal with body-wise is the stretch marks. We just don’t care, because to us it’s just scars. We like scars. We compare scars to our friends, and it would actually be kind of cool to have scars. We don’t really care, plus we’re so hairy, you wouldn’t notice the stretch marks anyway.
Bottom line is that men cannot have babies. They just cannot give birth. The human race would come to an end, literally.
But I’ll tell you one thing, if men did have the ability to become pregnant, we’d never, ever miss a birth control pill, let me tell you. We would never allow the pull-out method during sex or any other method that was less than 100% safe.
Because as men, we can’t stand the idea of giving birth. We can’t carry babies. We already are babies. We need all the attention and care to ourselves, and we don’t like to be in any type of pain.